Every time I've gone to post a new entry it hasn't felt right. For whatever reason, however, today is the time for (reflection upon) moving on.

Miko was out of sorts for several days after Sian's death - unable to settle on the bed at night because the routine of Sian taking first position on my legs had been broken, looking at Sian's sitting/sleeping spots, staying close to me and meowing insistently more often than usual - but she has adjusted to being the only cat.

( Reflections on Writing )

( Reflections on Routine and Health )

I still have a dozen little projects to get done around my new home, but things are generally settling enough for me to get through the work needed to finish my MFA degree and start preparing for what comes next.

At around 8PM, with the support of a local veterinarian and vet tech, Sian slipped quietly away at home in my arms. I am grateful to my mum and step-dad who looked after the kids so my sister Averill could be with Sian and I, too.

Although the surgery to correct her diaphragmatic hernia was successful and she enjoyed a brief period of full recovery, Sian's health began to decline in various ways over the last couple of months until finally her body was full of displaced fluids and she had great difficulty breathing.

Sian was a gift of loving, playful, furry joy who enriched my life for nine years. I miss her terribly already but know that it was time for her to go.

Be well my kitten, my little love, my Sian.

...which I fratzed with weeks of bending, lifting, lugging (down and up stairs) and schlepping (to/from the car/truck).

Still ignorant of what exactly I'd done to myself, I thought that with the moving process winding down I could just throw anti-inflammatory pills, hot baths, rest with pillows under my knees at it and I would be fine in a few days. How wrong I was.

The pain in the centre of my right buttock and shooting down my leg became steadily worse until Thursday morning I could barely get out of bed (gingerly backwards on hands and knees) or walk. A friend recommended her chiropractor and I was lucky enough to get an appointment that day. Previously wary of chiropractors, I was willing to try one trusted by a good friend who'd had positive results and with two (gentle, brief) treatments over two days, plus a supportive (sacral?) belt, I am feeling *a lot* less pain. The DC I saw said she was concerned there may be disk damage so radiographs were requisitioned, which I had done yesterday. I'm bringing the CD to my appointment this morning, so we'll see what's what.

All this has made finishing the audio for my project rather more difficult as sitting is now what aggravates most. But things are coming together and by cutting a certain corner (edit directly in FCP instead of editing in ProTools and importing back to FCP - not nearly as refined but still passable) I can still have my installation ready in time for the Thursday opening. I'll be setting up the physical portion on Monday. I have my work cut out for me this weekend!

Ryerson's Documentary Now! documentary media festival website:
http://www.documentarynow.ca/

The Facebook event page for Doc/Now! at Gallery1313 is:
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=102021216008

Today I got my knives sharpened by one of those old guys who drives around in a truck ringing a big brass bell (from a rope tied to the steering column).

I watched him work through the little side window, but turned away now and again to look at the trees and bushes, so as not to make him feel under too close scrutiny. I noticed a curious thing: my west neighbour has a mulberry bush that's grown inside of another tree and has sprouted branches through its trunk.

Big move is done. Cats adjusted well. DSL set up was delayed. Still unpacking. Still tying up loose moving ends (bringing in car load of plants next). Exhausted and have anxiety knots in stomach about getting project done for 11 June gallery opening. So, online presence will continue to be sporadic and sparse, just for different reasons.

Tomorrow morning the movers arrive to haul the big stuff and heavy boxes to my new home. My phone line will be disconnected in the morning and, if all goes well, reconnected at the new place by 5PM. Unfortunately, it will take longer for my DSL (not Bell Sympatico) to be transferred (26 May I was told). So I will be online sporadically until then, either at school or nearby locations with free wireless internet.

Although I've been preparing and packing for what feels like weeks, I still have a lot to get ready before 9AM, such as dismantling the futon couch, clearing the dining table (and a few other surfaces), securing various drawers, labeling, tucking away the odds and ends I'm going to deal with after the big move. I wouldn't even be as prepared as I am without the generous assistance of clockwork_zero, who helped me run a load to the new place, cleaned the 'fridge there while I unloaded, and helped me pack until 11:30PM, all for a Salad King dinner and some wine.

The cats have been amazingly OK amid the chaos, even visiting clockwork_zero and I in the kitchen tonight, Miko joining the conversation, Sian wanting bits of cheese. I think it helps that the basic routine of nighttime cuddles, morning cuddles and breakfast hasn't changed, plus I've been home a lot sorting and packing. It will be interesting to see how Miko adjusts to a new environment since she has never lived anywhere else. Sian came with me to New York so I know she will adapt, though I hope her more fragile health will not be negatively impacted. I'm going to set up the bedroom first, then bring them into just that room, with food and litter, for initial adjustment. I think they'll be fine with me there a lot and the basic routine continuing.

I'd better get back to it now because I would actually like to get a few hours sleep, too!

My posts have been sporadic and sparse because there is so much going on in my life these days, mostly good but requiring attention, thought and hard work nonetheless. Hot Docs and the Doc U are over (though I still have to write a one-page summary of my experience) and now my upcoming move is taking centre stage.

Although I've been doing small moving-related things almost every day, I'll be spending the larger part of the next four days packing and preparing for the Big Stuff Move on Wednesday morning. I do, however, have a couple little breaks planned to have coffee with Averill this morning and to celebrate Sharon's new teaching job up north tonight.

I've pretty much wrapped my thesis project, having got the last pick-up shots and interview done this week, though I am wrangling with some manner of technical problem that is preventing transfer of video data from the P2 cards. Mum is transcribing the interviews, for which I am immensely grateful as transcripts will make the editing process so much easier. Fortunately, I was able to defer my defense date because there is no way I'm finishing a thesis paper along with everything else I'm juggling this month.

The kitties are doing mostly well. Miko's allergy shots proceed apace (no adverse reactions so far) and while Sian continues to have retchy episodes, they seem to be decreasing in intensity and duration.

Biking home tonight after a Hot Docs screening and dinner with mum, I noticed 42 Borden St. had a bright red-lit house number sign, as did 42 Ulster St., which I turned onto from Borden. A third bright red-lit 42 would have been eerie, but two in close succession is coincidence enough on my 42nd birthday.

...to life, the universe and everything.

Forty-two.

I have arrived.

Hard to believe it's been over a month since my last post! I don't have time to write a comprehensive update, but here are the basics of what's up with me and the kitty-girls.

( Kitties )

( Me )

It is maybe about 8 to 12 hours sooner than recommended, but I took Sian's shirt off tonight after inspecting her incision and finding it quite healed with only a few remaining teeny scabby bits flaking off. I will still confine her to the bedroom when I'm not home, but she is also maintaining a lower activity level on her own even when I'm around.

Sian was quite happy to be free of clothing and she purred and purred. Patting her, kissing her and looking at her I realized (again? anew?) just how ridiculously much I love my wee Sian.

My Freewill Astrology Horoscope for this week is themed "Healthy Obsessions" and so, while I've been able to get my head back into my thesis project, writing installation proposals and applying for jobs, as various urgent matters pass on to the 'done' pile, I have found it difficult to resist putting significant cognitive resources into my new abode. I've looked at paint colours, I've calculated the square footage of certain rooms, I drafted a change of address message, looked up the Walk Score for the area, and I even booked a mover today. Then, when I'd had enough sitting at the computer by 4:30PM I took the 501 Queen streetcar out to my new neighbourhood to walk around and take photos of my next place of residence. Here's one of them:



I walked from Queen St. E. and Lee Ave., took photos, then walked up Main St. to Danforth, noticing with glee a Carribean café called Delicious Delight that advertised Calaloo with shrimp, followed by disappointment that it is closed Mondays. Instead, I sampled a potato latke and beet salad at an eclectic deli (apparently Scottish and Austrian between the haggis and bratwurst). I walked back down Main St. and past my future residence once more, then along Gerrard St. E. all the way to Little India (or, more offically, Gerrard India Bazaar), where I was tempted to eat at Udupi Palace even though I was still quite full of latke and beets. I got on a 506 Carlton streetcar at Greenwood Ave. and came home.

It still feels far away, but when I got back to Spadina and Queen, I felt like I was visiting my old neighbourhood as though I'd already moved away. Emphasizing this projection into the future was the downstairs neighbours putting on bassy music not long after I got in the door, and I thought, "Soon I will never hear this in my home again."

Dr. K at Bathurst-Dupont Animal Hospital examined Sian this morning and was pleased with her recovery. She's down a little in weight (6.3 lbs from her usual 6.5, but she's probably still gaining from what she lost closer to the surgery) but her heart and breathing are good. He removed Sian's sutures noting that the incision has healed nicely. However, Dr. K recommended keeping Sian in her shirt a few more days so the holes where the stitches were can heal with some protection. He also recommended keeping her activity restricted another couple of weeks, so I will continue to confine Sian to my bedroom when I'm not home. She has been good at regulating herself (no running and leaping about, hasn't tried to climb the shelves, goes up and down the cat tree one step at a time) so I've been letting her wander freely when I'm around.

I also told Dr. K about her diet (updating him on Miko's as well) and he said there's nothing wrong with feeding Sian cooked fish and shrimp, so that's what she'll be getting, along with the dry food she likes. Dr. K said if her recovery continues to go this well she won't need to come in again but he asked me to call in about three weeks to report on her progress. He also said another round of radiographs in a couple months might be good just to see how everything looks inside.

So, Sian isn't too thrilled at having to wear the shirt awhile longer, but she is doing wonderfully well overall. Thanks to everyone who has taken an interest in Sian throughout this ordeal!

Short version:
I'm moving in May!

Long version:
( Background )
( Opportunity Knocks )
( I Open the Door )

I do wonder what my future will look like professionally and financially after I graduate, but I feel strongly that opening this area of my life, making a peaceful haven and creative work space for myself, cannot but benefit all my other dealings in the world. It will be an adjustment, no doubt, but my sense is that I've made a good choice and that any nervous moments are the normal anxiety that accompanies *any* change. It is a big leap, but it is the right big leap.

I will send private messages to family and friends with my new address soon. Now I must turn my attention back to my thesis work.

To those who have been following Sian's recovery from her diaphragmatic hernia correction surgery, I apologize for my lapse in reporting. I became suddenly preoccupied with another unanticipated life event, which I will write about in another post.

Sian continues to recover amazingly well. She has finished her course of antibiotics and I'm sure both she and I are equally grateful not to have that twice-daily struggle to contend with any more. She is still wearing her shirt, but only until Monday morning when she gets her stitches removed.

My sleep has been interrupted and fitful over the last couple of weeks, in addition to my tendency to wake with the sun as it rises earlier with the approach of spring, and this morning as I lay in bed I suddenly recalled an incident I'd completely forgotten about that could be a cause of Sian's internal injury. Several years ago, possibly even as far back as 2001, I had my bedroom painted and the window was opened wide for better ventilation. I had also taken the screens out for cleaning and Sian fell out the window onto the concrete below. I don't know how it happened exactly, because I hadn't seen or heard anything (I may, in fact, have gone out that afternoon) and didn't realize until I noticed I hadn't seen Sian in awhile. After some some searching and calling indoors, I looked out the window and saw her huddled under some metal thing below. I retrieved her, inspected her for signs of injury, but she seemed OK, if a little freaked out.

So, I don't know if this is what caused the tears in her diaphragm - I will never know for sure what caused it - but it's hard to think of her going so long with such a problem not becoming evident until so many years later. I will mention this to the vet on Monday and meanwhile Sian is doing great.

Sian has been much more her usual self today. She scratched at the closed bedroom door, so I let her out and she fearlessly wandered around sniffing everything while Miko watched from a respectful distance.



She used the couch to get to one of her favourite perches for a drink and a look out the window.





But when she climbed the cat tree I carried her down and back into the bedroom - she is not to be jumping great heights for awhile. I put up a gate in front of the bedroom and left the door open, which seems to satisfy the cats, for now.

We had another lovely afternoon nap together, cuddling and purring, and Sian ate three shrimp tonight!

...was a huge improvement over the first. The onesie is still on, though I did have to replace a paw through a tiny sleeve once, and I think Sian is adjusting to it. We had a cuddly night without incident (Miko didn't cry at the door, so I got better sleep) and she ate one and a half shrimp this morning. I want to take a picture of Sian in her outfit, now that she's not stoned on painkillers and is generally feeling better, but she went back under the bed, perhaps because she remembers that the antibiotic followed the shrimp last night.

This morning she used the litter box again, so her innards seem to be in working order. I'll post a photo as soon as I have one.

I've just given Sian her nighttime dose of Clavamox (which did not result in foaming at the mouth this time - no added Tramadol!), though not before trading the cone collar for a modified baby 'onesie' that Averill gave me and rewarding her with some shrimp, which she happily ate. Sian is deeply confused about being clothed and surely does not enjoy it, but it is better than the cone collar, although she is back to hiding under the bed (and she still hasn't used the litter box).

I was surprised when the OVC called this morning to check on Sian. I said she was doing well, though medication administering remains a challenge and she detests the cone collar (which she escaped from once this afternoon). The person (someone I hadn't spoken to before, can't remember her name if she told me) said not to worry about the pain killer unless Sian is in obvious distress. She was the one who suggested I try putting a small t-shirt or a modified sock on Sian to protect her incision. When the call ended I called Bathurst-Dupont Animal Hospital to make an appointment to remove Sian's stitches on Monday morning 9 March.

I was delighted to receive the unexpected company of clockwork_zero who came to see how Sian and I were doing. I fed us vegetarian burritos for lunch and we talked like two good friends who haven't seen each other in months, cheerily catching up. Seeing her lifted my spirits considerably. Not long after she left, Averill and Robyn arrived for a short visit. Robyn is almost crawling and is expanding her vocabulary in all sorts of interesting directions.

When they left I gave Sian a break from the collar (she eagerly ate and drank) and crawled under the covers for an hour-long cuddle. Sian immediately fell deeply asleep, and I could feel her little kitty REM twitches through the duvet. She wasn't happy when I put the collar back on so I could leave her alone in the room to go have dinner, and when I came back in she'd figured her way out of it (I might not have tied it tightly enough, afraid as I am of choking her). That brings us back to the 'onesie', which required some effort to put on, and I feel completely wiped out. It didn't help that my downstairs neighbours had their music on way loud at 9PM, though it seems to have quieted down (it's 10:07PM).

6 more days of antibiotics
10 more days until the sutures are removed
several more days of keeping Sian isolated

And Miko, sweet Miko, sits and purrs between my arms and the keyboard as I write.

[10:45PM Edit: Sian finally used the litter box!]

We made it through the first night of recovery at home. Sian was actually very good - no yowling or scratching or freaking out. But the poor girl does not like the collar one bit and it is hard to watch her frustration as she tries to groom herself and figure out how to eat and drink. I want to take it off just to give her a break, but I know it's better to leave it on for awhile so she does figure out how to manoeuver with it. When I came in to go to sleep I found the water bowl moved about 6', presumably as she was drinking out of it with the collar pushing it along, and I did hear some successful crunching of dry food as I lay in bed.

Miko doesn't like being excluded from the bedroom, but has been much better about it than she was during her and Sian's last separation (when I moved back from NYC - totally different circumstance). Miko cried at the door once, around 3:30AM, so I came out and slept on the couch for a few hours, Miko happily parking herself on my lap. When I went back into my bedroom at 7:00 I put Sian's carrier near the door and this seems to be working to keep Miko away from that end of the apartment.

This morning's attempt at administering meds was less successful than last night, though I think it is because I decided to try mixing half a painkiller into her liquid antibiotic, which probably made it taste bad. She was all foamy at the mouth trying to spit it out, which was not at all what happened with last night's liquid dose. I'd hoped that giving her half a capsule twice a day would make her less stoned while managing her pain, but I think I just have to let her be stoned. There is a margin in which she is less stoned before the drug has worn off in which she rolls around on the bed purring. This morning around 7:00AM we enjoyed a blissful 45 minutes of Sian lying on my legs totally relaxed for probably the first time this week. But now she is hiding under the bed again, so I worry she's in pain, though she could be hiding for other reasons (from me and meds, from a general sense of her compromised state).

I'm still concerned she's not eating and drinking enough, and she hasn't used the (freshly washed and changed) littler box yet, either, though one of the side effects of the painkillers is constipation. There's a risk she could develop hepatic lipidosis (fatty liver) if she goes too long without eating. I'm thawing a frozen shrimp ring, since cooked shrimp is one of Sian's favourite treats, and I will feed her morsels by hand later.

My sister Averill is coming over with niece Robyn later and I'm hoping she help me clean Sian up a little and give her half doses to make up for she likely didn't ingest. I wiped as much of the liquid off her chin and the cone collar as I could, but I'd really like to make sure she and the collar are clean, plus it will give her a little break without the collar. This may be too difficult to do with an 8.5 month old baby around, but chances for success are greater with two people handling poor Sian.

Sian has to wear a cone collar until her sutures are removed (in about 10 days) to keep her from licking or biting them and she has to take antibiotics (Clavamox) for seven days.

She was also sent home with painkillers (Tramadol), which causes her pupils to dilate and makes her 'stoned'. Dr. Singh told me what to look for as signs she is in pain and I asked whether I should manage the pain or wait until she's actually in pain before giving her a pill. Knowing how stoic cats are, I wasn't sure I'd be able to tell she was in pain before it was severe enough that handling Sian in order to give her the pill would be a terrible ordeal. Dr. Singh said it was up to me, but he thought she wouldn't need the prescribed three a day.

At 9:00PM I managed to get one down her throat because her last dose was at 9:30 this morning and I don't want her in pain her first night home. They gave me a liquid form of the antibiotic because I thought that might be an easier form to ensure Sian actually ingests it. The stuff smells like bananas, though, so I doubt Sian's going to dig it or eat it mixed in with yoghurt... well, she didn't like it, but it was easier because she can't spit it out the way she did on my first attempt to give her the painkiller (a small purple capsule).

I know it's necessary, but I really do not like doing these things. It's a struggle and Sian has no way of understanding what's happening to her. I feel like I'm violating her trust, even though I know all these things - the collar, the medication, restricted activity - are vital to a successful and full recovery. So, I keep going in to just spend time with her - she was even purring at one point (before I crammed something down her throat)!

So far, Miko has stayed away from the bedroom. The door is closed, but she has not gone near. I've got my computer set up on the dining table, so she has been sniffing me (therefore Sian and all her vet smells as well) and so far seems calm but nervously curious. Dr. Singh said I should keep them separated for a week or two. I don't know if that will work, but I think I can manage it for a few days.